hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize