Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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