I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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