i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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