She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
