Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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