His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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