I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
We're too hungover to prance.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
