he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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