We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
third nipple confirmed
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
