I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
