Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
