my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
