sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
