and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
