that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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