Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
