i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The Olympian is in my bed
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
