and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
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