Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
