Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
