The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
