Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
