non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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