home. puking in laundry basket.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
is wine microwaveable?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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