Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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