Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
