yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
