just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
