How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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