i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
