Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
