She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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