He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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