i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
