I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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