I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
