I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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