There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize