I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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