Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
