I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
