I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
