i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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