I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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