I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
