I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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