when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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