I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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