i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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