It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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