I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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