The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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