I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
