why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm too high and old for this...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
