A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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