Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
